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336 pages, Hardcover
First published May 14, 2019
My name is Bina and I'm a very busy woman. That's Bye-na, not Beena. I don't know who Beena is but I expect she's having a happy life. I don't know who you are, or the state of your life. But if you've come all this way here to listen to me, your life will undoubtedly get worse. I'm here to warn you, not to reassure you.
I'm only telling you this to warn you. I've better ways to waste my time than mithering on here. I'm a busy woman. Of that be certain. People think old women have nothing to do but stand around. They're very wrong and very ignorant and do take that last combination of wrong and ignorant as another warning. If people think you have time to stand about, let them know otherwise, by not standing about. Take off! Take off when they least expect it. Could you just hold this for a minute? Don't. Be gone. Would you like to? No. I wouldn't. Can I borrow your bread knife to take on a picnic? No. You can't. Because you'll never bring it back. Would there be any chance...? No. There's no chance. None. None. None.
You're going no place
I said to her
You're going no place that I'm not going.
Well.
She said.
Just that.
Well.
Open-ended well for me to fall into.
Come with me.
His anger came from no specific location and yet it could become an urban settlement of rage in 60 seconds. The words scared me less than his sounds. The anger of displaced objects being flipped off a surface. The kick of his boot into my sideboard and the crashing of the three cups that fell down and smashed. Which cups were they, I wondered, under the crunch of his hoof as he walked on them and stamped them further into smithereens. Then another hurl let out of him and the sound of cup fragments being kicked further across the floor. But the repeated sound that stayed with me was always his fist. I never recovered from that first time he punched me straight in the ear. I never heard right since on that side, in that ear. And to this day I am none the wiser as to why he landed that first punch at all.
Don't read this without first reading Malarky (1)
Do read this before reading the Goldsmith (or New Statesman) write ups of the shortlisted books (2)
These serve as my first two warnings
I have given you several facts so far. Add them up and I might give you a prize to send away for at the end.
I didn’t like their [the Canadian] Prime Minister, he was flighty. Looks like it take off if he went rolling up an escalator too fast. But he’s a good coat on him. I don’t like our [Irish] prime minister. He is an awful man. I can’t remember his name but he’s very hairy ears though. A bit like a wolf.
I’ll be honest I’m only repeating what a woman I delivered Meals on Wheels to said about him, because I’m not much for television. Her name was Mary and one day out of nowhere she said, would you look at the ears on him. She was pointing at the television channel claiming it was the Taoiseach. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was actually a badger and now I’m after repeating the story myself without remembering the woman was confused