Screen Time: Is it the worst time to be a 'Star Wars' fan?

Spoiler Warning: This column contains spoilers for the recent “Obi-Wan Kenobi” limited series, as well as much of the rest of the "Star Wars" franchise.

I don’t want to be a Salacious Crumb, but the new “Obi-Wan Kenobi” limited series streaming on Disney+ proves once and for all that “Star Trek” is better than “Star Wars.”

In fact, I would go as far as to say that this is the worst time to be a “Star Wars” fan.

While “The Mandalorian” certainly had its charms and share of cool moments with the arrival of “Baby Yoda,” the live-action debut of Ahsoka Tano and the return of “Jedi Master Luke,” “The Book of Boba Fett” was Boba-bad and “Obi-Wan Kenobi” is a totally unnecessary backstory that nobody wanted, nobody asked for and nobody needed.

And this coming from someone who used to be obsessed with “Star Wars.”

How obsessed?

I remember seeing my first "Star Wars" action figures at Spag’s in Shrewsbury. The figures were a peculiar size for the time (three and a half inches). Darth Vader, Luke Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi had what looked like syringes rather than light sabers for weapons while Han Solo’s head made him look like Poppin’ Fresh the Pillsbury Doughboy wearing a black disco vest. We can send a man to the moon but we still can’t make a decent likeness of Harrison Ford out of plastic.

On top of that, I thought $1.99 (written in indelible marker on the carded figures) was too much.

Of the 12 original “Star Wars” figures released by Kenner, the only one that intrigued me enough to hide it in the second aisle of the toy department at Spag’s was the R2-D2 figure.

A week later, all the figures were gone at Spag’s, including the R2-D2 figure I thought I hid. And it wasn’t just Spag’s. Bradlees, Capitol Toys, Caldor, Child World, The Fair, Kay-Bee Toy & Hobby, Kmart, Mammoth Mart, Sears, Toys "R" Us and Zayre were all sold out of the first wave of “Star Wars” figures.

In a Movie Theater Far, Far Away …

To fully understand the legacy and feel the full impact of the magic of the original “Star Wars,” you had to be alive to see it on the big screen when it first came out in the summer of ’77, which, for me, was a long time ago when I lived in the Greendale section of Worcester far, far away and way before the internet, tabloid television and, more importantly, spoilers ruining every plot twist.

Except for a cover story on Time Magazine declaring “'Star Wars' The Year’s Best Movie” and a few articles in “Famous Monsters of Filmland,” there was very little publicity in advance when I saw “Star Wars,” for the first time, at White City Cinemas in Shrewsbury.

Please note: Like my refusal to call the Centrum, the DCU Center; and Great Woods, the Xfinity Center, I will not call the original “Star Wars,” “Star Wars Episode IV — A New Hope,” for two reasons.

First, it was simply called “Star Wars” when it came out. All that “A New Hope,” new-age nonsense came after.

And, second, to this day, I question if George Lucas had this big master plan for a trilogy or, gasp, a series of three trilogies for the big screen. I think his biggest concern was whether or not he would be laughed out of Hollywood and ever work again.

With my father and my older brother, I went to see “Star Wars” on a Saturday afternoon. Adult admission was $2.50 for my dad, while my brother and I got in for $1.25 each, kid's price. The line for the movie filled the whole White City Cinemas parking lot. I never saw a line that long for anything, not even for Springsteen tickets.

Before we went into line, my father gave me a dollar to buy some candy at CVS. I came back with three comic books instead, including “Star Wars” No. 2. The comic books were 35 cents each. Somewhere, I scrounged a nickel. When I went back to the car, my father and brother yelled at me for buying comic books instead of chocolate candy bars.

Waiting in line in front of us was this guy who looked like Matt Hooper, Richard Dreyfuss' character in “Jaws” (the big summer blockbuster two years earlier). The Dreyfuss doppelgänger was blathering to no end to his friends in line about how he already seen “Star Wars” four times and how great it was. I was thinking, “Four times? It only opened yesterday? Four times? Is that even possible? Four times? No one sees a movie four times, let alone twice! Four times? Is this guy nuts?”

By the end of the summer, I saw “Star Wars” 11 times in the movie theater.

I vividly remember the theater houselights going down and immediately getting swept away with John Williams' majestic score while the crawling narration seemed to be floating into deep space. Then, from out of nowhere, a humongous Imperial Star Destroyer swoops in hot pursuit of a small rebel spaceship. This was followed by plenty of strange worlds, strange looking robots (called droids), strange looking aliens, strange looking hairdos, likable social misfits–turned-unlikely heroes and, of course, an unforgettable, heavy-breathing Sith Lord named Darth Vader, one of the greatest villains ever created for the large screen.

In 1980, I saw “The Empire Strikes Back,” the best and the bleakest of the “Star Wars” films, in a packed house at Showcase Cinemas in downtown Worcester. And, when the movie was over, everybody in the theater was discussing with each other how they couldn’t wait three years to see the next one. It was one of those great communal movie experiences that are few and far between nowadays.

By the time “Return of the Jedi” came out, my attention waned from the series, so much so that I didn’t see it until it was on the last leg of its first-run at Showcase Cinemas and only after I snuck in after seeing another movie with my brother.

“Return” started off great. I remember thinking the Jabba the Hutt sequence was arguably some of the best material in the original trilogy and Jabba portrayed as a giant slug was truly inspired. I also recall the speeder bike chase on Endor being absolutely thrilling, up to the point that Leia fell off her bike and is being poked and prodded by a (not so) cute and (not so) cuddly varmint known as an “Ewok” carrying a little pointy spear. After that, the movie went totally off the rails and the rest of "Star Wars" you can feed to the daggits.

Turning to the Dark Side
 

The three “Star Wars” prequels were a colossal waste of time and the latter J.J. Abrams trilogy an instantly forgettable failure.

Starting with "Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace," the much-ballyhooed prequel trilogy was many things — unnecessary, noisy, busy, boring, inane, unoriginal, uninspired, flimsy, trite, too much CGI special-effects that left you cold and hollow inside and not enough heart. It lacked the magic and innocence of the original “Star Wars” movies. It was so bad and unmemorable, “Star Wars” fans would have been better off if the prequel trilogy was never made at all.

The same can be said of “Obi-Wan Kenobi," which takes place after the three prequels and before the original "Star Wars" trilogy.

In “Episode One: The Phantom Menace,” young Anakin was portrayed like Adam Rich on “Eight Is Enough,” while in “Obi-Wan Kenobi,” a young Leia is portrayed like Alderaan’s answer to Punky Brewster.

What’s next? Young Luke as a Coruscant equivalent to Cousin Oliver from “The Brady Bunch”? Better yet, Chewie portrayed as a wisecracking ALF?

Even if you are a fan of “Obi Wan Kenobi,” you have to admit the first two episodes were pretty dull and played out more like a story behind the origin of SPAM canned meat (or whatever meat concoction Kenobi was concealing from his dead-end day job). And did we really need Princess Leia depicted as a mischievous, tree-climbing tomboy who talks back to Flea of the Red Hot Chili Peppers? 

When it comes to “Star Wars,” you have to see it in the order that they were made, not how they were later numbered. Furthermore, you only should watch the first three “Star Wars” movies (“Star Wars,” “The Empire Strikes Back” and “The Return of the Jedi”) and quit after that. Because, if you watch I, II and III first, it ruins priceless exchange between Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen ("Luke's just not a farmer, Owen. He has too much of his father in him," which Owen answers with the grossest gross understatement in the history of cinema, "That's what I'm afraid of"), as well as the Darth Vader's "I am your father" bombshell reveal.

Also, "Obi-Wan Kenobi" is rewriting “Star Wars” history. In the first “Star Wars,” Luke and Leia have no idea who the (expletive) Kenobi is, despite the fact that, in "Obi-Wan Kenobi" the series, Kenobi saved a 10-year-old Leia’s life and showed up at the last minute to save 10-year-old Luke.

While he spent more time with Leia, it’s frigging Kenobi that gave Luke his T-16 Skyhopper model that Mark Hamill is playing with in the original “Star Wars.” I think Luke would remember the guy who gave him his best toy ever, which Kenobi must have bought in aisle 7-C at Tauntaun 'R' Us.

Also, “Obi-Wan Kenobi” is so joyless and grim that it makes “Trainspotting,” Evan McGregor’s film about heroin-addicted hooligans running amuck in England, and the “ER” episode McGregor was in (where he was an unwilling one of the gunmen who holds Nurse Hathaway hostage during a convenience store robbery), seem like episodes of “Fuller House.”

OK, people are going to argue that it was cool to see additional confrontations and lightsaber battles between a badass Vader and a guilt-ridden Kenobi. Yeah, but there was nothing at stake. Spoiler alert: Luke doesn’t die. Leia doesn’t die. Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru don’t die. Kenobi doesn’t die. And Vader doesn’t die. Even the new bad guys that get skewered with a light saber in the heart don’t die.

So I ask you, was it worth sitting through six hours of nerf herder nonsense for 10 minutes of gratuitous, hands-on Vader violence? It would have made a nice short video. Where's a film editor or a Death Star trash compactor when you need one?

A Disturbance in the Force

If Disney wants to do something edgy with already established “Star Wars” characters, here’s a few suggested “Easter eggs” for the fans.

Grand Moff Tarkin takes a sauna bath with a CGI Tony Curtis.

Wedge Antilles is seen getting a wedgie at the Skystrike Academy, hence, revealing the origin of his unflattering nickname “Wedge.”

Greedo enjoying a frosty Orange Julius and a giant pretzel with his wife and kids at a Coruscant food court.

Two Tusken Raiders bickering over the return policy at Bed, Banthas and Beyond.

Boba Fett freaking out when he finds out the very expensive carbonite chamber he bought at Slave 1 Imports is a coin-operated, dispensing machine for carbonated beverages.

A landspeeder sitting idle with the bumper sticker “I break for Jawas.”

Yakface is mistaken for the Camel Cigarettes mascot.

Uncle Owen ponders a way out of his loveless marriage.

Captain Antilles lands the Tantive IV on the Hudson River.

Instead of "The Imperial March" from "The Empire Strikes Back," Darth Vader comes out to the old "The Dick Van Dyke" theme song and trips over an MSE-6-series repair (or mouse) droid.

By the way, in “Obi-Wan Kenobi” where are C-3PO and R2-D2 during all this? And what's up with Lola, Leia’s traitorous, handheld droid that looks like a cross between a Sony Discman CD player and an old Milton Bradley electronic “Simon” game, as well as being a blatant rip-off of that artificial-intelligence alien-lifeform from 1987’s geriatric sci-fi failure “Batteries Not Included”?